I'm bored' is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of.

I don't have a brother in real life.

If you're a cartoon character or most TV characters, sure, you'll fight, because the punches are juicy-sounding and they don't leave marks. But in real life, if somebody punches you in the eye, it doesn't make any noise and your eye is swollen for, like, six months. It's a nightmare to get punched in the eye.

I grew up in a generation that had exponential technological advances.

I'd love to have a shitty job. I couldn't hold any down. Standup was the only thing I could stick with. I'm an idiot that way.

When I see two guys kissing, I'm like, how come I can't kiss one of those guys? They look like they're having a good time.

I'd like to name my kid a whole phrase. You know, something like Ladies and Gentlemen. That'll be a cool name for a kid. This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen! Then, when he gets out of hand, I get to go, Ladies and Gentlemen, please!