You're a tourist in sexual perversion. I'm a prisoner there.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I've had soccer moms come up and tell me they can relate when I say that I want to throw my baby in the trash.

I'm a good citizen. I'm a good father. I recycle and I masturbate.

I wish I could know everything ever, like that would be my wish - that's what I hope heaven is, that they tell you who shot JFK and all that stuff.

I look around, pretty much 100% of the people driving are texting. And they're killing, everybody's murdering each other with their cars. But people are willing to risk taking a life and ruining their own because they don't want to be alone for a second because it's so hard.

A household name is like ketchup. Everybody wants ketchup. Ketchup doesn't hurt anybody.