You're a tourist in sexual perversion. I'm a prisoner there.

Performing comedy, you develop a rhythm of ideas and laughs. I live for it.

Anytime you see a bit where some stranger does something to me, it's me.

You can't answer a kid's question. A kid never accepts any answer. A kid never says, 'Oh, thanks. I get it.'... They just keep coming with more questions - why, why, why? - until you don't even know who the fk you are anymore at the end of the conversation. It's an insane deconstruction.

Someday, one of your friends is gonna get divorced, it's gonna happen, and they're gonna tell you. Don't go, 'ohhhh I'm sorry.' That's a stupid thing to say. First of all you're making 'em feel bad for being really happy, which isn't fair. And second of all: divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it's true, because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce. It's really that simple.

I could never sit down and write jokes.

We have white people problems in America. You know what that is? That's when your life is amazing, so you just make stuff up to get worried about.