If you have something to say, here's what you do: You write it down on a piece of paper, you go out in the lobby, and then you go home and you kill yourself.

I don't know if you've ever had just five dollars in the bank, but I've found that if that's all you have, you can't get it out.

I'm not motivated to entertain people through Twitter, so just by having Twitter and not saying anything, I make people mad.

There's no such thing as a cheap laugh.

I have a lot of beliefs, and I live by none of them - that's just the way I am they make me feel good about who I am.

Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed ... into my mouth.

I was in a hotel room in Dallas, and I was jerking off so much and so sadly and pathetically, that the phone rang, and I thought it's them, they're complaining. ... "Sir, could you please stop?"