If you do something and people think you're stupid, just go for crazy. You get more respect that way because nobody likes stupid people.

Bill has three goldfish. He buys two more. How many dogs live in London?

I don't feel those limits when I'm on stage. For some reason, audiences let me get away with things. Remember, it's all comedy. Words. Thoughts. All thoughts are safe and worth exploring.

I know what it's like to have a bunch of material that's working that you don't care about. You want to die.

When I read things like the foundations of capitalism are shattering, I'm like, maybe we need that. Maybe we need some time where we're walking around with a donkey with pots clanging on the sides.

We have white people problems in America. You know what that is? That's when your life is amazing, so you just make stuff up to get worried about.

If I owned a network, I would never let a guy just put people on without telling me who they are.