If you do something and people think you're stupid, just go for crazy. You get more respect that way because nobody likes stupid people.

I'm bored' is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of.

You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited... and for me it was between the two buildings going down... I had to do it, otherwise they'd win.

I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.

There's no real preparing at home for stand-up. You just go and you just do it.

Life isn't something you possess. It's something you take part in, and you witness.

I was talking to my friend and he said his girlfriend was mad at him. I said, "What happened?" He goes: "Well, I guess I, uh... I guess I said something, and, uh... and then she got her feelings hurt." That's a weird way to phrase it: "She got her feelings hurt. I said something, and then she..." Could you more remove yourself from responsibility? "She got her feelings hurt." It's like saying, "Yeah, I shot this guy in the face, and then I guess he got himself murdered. I don't know what happened. He leaned into it."