I'm not motivated to entertain people through Twitter, so just by having Twitter and not saying anything, I make people mad.

I'd love to have a shitty job. I couldn't hold any down. Standup was the only thing I could stick with. I'm an idiot that way.

Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed ... into my mouth.

It's easier to cancel a show if it's expensive.

...Then I got divorced and everything changed, and I became a father in a whole new way and found a whole new set of difficulties.

If you think everything you've done is great, you're probably dumb.

I learned that money can be a lot of things,It can be something that is hoarded, fought over, protected, stolen and withheld. Or it can be like an energy, fueled by the desire, will, creative interest, need to laugh, of large groups of people. And it can be shuffled and pushed around and pooled together to fuel a common interest, jokes about garbage, penises and parenthood.