When my kids were younger, I used to avoid them. I used to sit on the toilet 'til my legs fell asleep. You want to know why your father spends so long in the toilet? Because he's not sure he wants to be a father.

When I got divorced, I thought 'Well, there goes my act.'

I love being divorced. Every year has been better than the last. By the way, I'm not saying don't get married. If you meet somebody, fall in love and get married. Then get divorced. Because that's the best part. Divorce is forever! It really actually is. Marriage is for how long you can hack it. But divorce just gets stronger like a piece of oak. Nobody ever says 'oh, my divorce is falling apart, it's over, I can't take it.'

There's nowhere I won't go. As long as it's horribly, horribly true and/or wrong.

Stand-up is probably the most solo performance in art.

Working in TV and navigating success is a tricky thing. It's easier to navigate the hard work of starting out because you just do anything they let you do, but once you get into an orbit, after the thrusters have pushed you into the orbit, now you have to navigate that orbit. There's no choices when you're starting out. You're just like, "Please, let me do anything." But then it turns around and it's like, "We'll let you do anything".

I finally have the body I want. It’s easy, actually, you just have to want a really shitty body.