When my kids were younger, I used to avoid them. I used to sit on the toilet 'til my legs fell asleep. You want to know why your father spends so long in the toilet? Because he's not sure he wants to be a father.

You know when you see a mother someplace just melting down on her kid? She's like, 'Shut up, I hate you, you're ugly!'... Any parents there are thinking, 'What did that shitty kid do to that poor woman? That poor woman. I wish I could help.'

If I'm not on tour, I can run down to the comedy club and do a little stand-up. If you're an actor, you can't go - I guess there's forms of it.

I'm bored' is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of.

I have a lot of beliefs, and I live by none of them - that's just the way I am they make me feel good about who I am.

I've always benefited from knowing machines well, because it's freedom, it gives you freedom, I always knew that.

I could never sit down and write jokes.