If you're a cartoon character or most TV characters, sure, you'll fight, because the punches are juicy-sounding and they don't leave marks. But in real life, if somebody punches you in the eye, it doesn't make any noise and your eye is swollen for, like, six months. It's a nightmare to get punched in the eye.

I've had two great years, probably five good years. So I had 20 years of just kind of uncertainty and suffering and ego destruction and poverty. All these things. There's no way I'm ever going to catch up to the misery years. It's impossible... If I don't do anything dumb or I don't get a disease or something, and then I've got to five to eight years I think where it'll really be great and then it will start to degenerate like uranium, you know?

If you think everything you've done is great, you're probably dumb.

I'm a good citizen. I'm a good father. I recycle and I masturbate.

You know what our number one threat is? Heart disease.

A very painful part of being a parent is having really negative feelings about your children when you love them so much.

Well, when I was younger, I lied all the time, because once you understand the power of lying, it's really like magic because you transform reality for people.