I'm not sure why I'm so often disgusting on stage. I don't always know where it comes from.

I've met a lot of people who've lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor.

God is like a shitty girlfriend.

When you write from your gut and let the stuff stay flawed and don't let anybody tell you to make it better, it can end up looking like nothing else.

To me, it's very exhilarating when somebody else does a great thing, and it's not me.

People come back from flights and tell you a story like it's a horror story. That's how bad they make it sound. They're like, 'It was the worst day of my life. We didn't board for 20 minutes and they made us sit there on the runway for 40 minutes.' Oh really? What happened next? Did you fly in the air, incredibly, like a bird? Did you partake in the miracle of human flight you non-contributing zero?'

I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.