I do feel a lot of times like I'm out of my league with my kids in terms of what my responsibility is.

Someday, one of your friends is gonna get divorced, it's gonna happen, and they're gonna tell you. Don't go, 'ohhhh I'm sorry.' That's a stupid thing to say. First of all you're making 'em feel bad for being really happy, which isn't fair. And second of all: divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it's true, because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce. It's really that simple.

When people are getting richer and richer but they're not actually producing anything, it can't end well.

Anytime you see a bit where some stranger does something to me, it's me.

I've had soccer moms come up and tell me they can relate when I say that I want to throw my baby in the trash.

Some entertainers don't pay attention to what's going on around them.

I'm a good citizen. I'm a good father. I recycle and I masturbate.