When you're a father in a marriage, you sort of become the mother's assistant, and you sort of get a list from her every day, and you do, you know, you run down the list, and it feels very much like a chore.

Comedians and Feminists... are natural enemies, because stereotypically-speaking, feminists can't take a joke and... comedians can't take criticism.

I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.

I finally have the body I want. It’s easy, actually, you just have to want a really shitty body.

You can't answer a kid's question. A kid never accepts any answer. A kid never says, 'Oh, thanks. I get it.'... They just keep coming with more questions - why, why, why? - until you don't even know who the fk you are anymore at the end of the conversation. It's an insane deconstruction.

Misery is wasted on the miserable.

If you can survive disappointment, nothing can beat you