When you're young as a comic, you don't have a lot of leverage.

I finally have the body I want. It’s easy, actually, you just have to want a really shitty body.

The problem is, the more famous you get, the more people see you who didn't choose to.

There's no such thing as a cheap laugh.

I have Twitter so I can tell people what I want them to buy and they give me money.

I don't know if you've ever had just five dollars in the bank, but I've found that if that's all you have, you can't get it out.

A household name is like ketchup. Everybody wants ketchup. Ketchup doesn't hurt anybody.