Friends should always tell you the truth. But please don’t.

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

I finally have the body I want. It’s easy, actually, you just have to want a really shitty body.

Race doesn't mean what it used to in America anymore. It just doesn't. Obama's black, but he's not black the way people used to define that. Is black your experience or the color of your skin? My experience is as a Mexican immigrant, more so than someone like George Lopez. He's from California. But he'll be treated as an immigrant. I am an outsider. My abuelita, my grandmother, didn't speak English. My whole family on my dad's side is in Mexico. I won't ever be called that or treated that way, but it was my experience.

The thing is, comedy's gone in a weird direction. People are really into ironic comedy and fakeness and cleverness.

Sometimes I just want to tell a story regardless of whether it fits what the show is saying. I’ve been in a lot of writing rooms where somebody says an idea and everyone’s dying, like laughing so they’re delirious. It’s like a black hole in a good way, everything starts to fall into it, you know what I mean.

When I got divorced, I thought 'Well, there goes my act.'