I always tell my kids to cut a sandwich in half right when you get it, and the first thought you should have is somebody else. You only ever need half a burger.

You know the only thing happier than a three-legged dog? A four-legged dog.

When you're a father in a marriage, you sort of become the mother's assistant, and you sort of get a list from her every day, and you do, you know, you run down the list, and it feels very much like a chore.

I love being married. It's great. But I hate arguing. I hate fighting. You know what I do now? When we get in an argument, I just take her side against me. It's just easier; it goes quicker. She's like, "What's wrong with you?" And I'm like, "I know! Damn it! Argh!"

Young people don't even consider that it's a good idea to be out on the fringe, which is where good ideas come from.

Life is full of horrible mistakes.

All talking is good, negative and positive. Stabbing is bad; talking is good.