If I owned a network, I would never let a guy just put people on without telling me who they are.

I am really tired of looking at my hips. I'm seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together."

I'm not a political comedian. That's just not what I do.

I was a nerd growing up, and I'm a little antisocial and awkward.

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

I ate too much and masturbated too recently, you know? It's bad to like jerk off and run out the door, 'cause you run into somebody. "Oh, she knows..." You got to take some time alone to process the shame.

Gay men have to go through something to own their - who they are. They get beat up. They get ostracized. Whatever they go through, if they survive it, they come out very confident people.