Sometimes I try to take a nap before shows. That clears my head.

It's hard having kids because it's boring... It's just being with them on the floor while they be children. They read Clifford the Big Red Dog to you at a rate of 50 minutes a page, and you have to sit there and be horribly proud and bored at the same time.

Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much.

Maybe God is an asshole...of course not, he's not an asshole, he's imaginary.

You don't look down at your feet. A lot of comedians want to look down at their feet, but you break contact with the audience.

If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.

I don't think women are better than men, I think men are a lot worse than women.