If I do something for my kids, I get a medal, because most fathers don't.

One time I was at a swimming pool with my kids, a public pool. I had my daughter, my six year old, on my arm like this. She was like clamped on, and she's kicking. ... And then she got off and another random child just clamped on. It's like a rat. "Get off of me." "But I love you." "I don't know you, kid."

Comedy isn't polite and it isn't correct and it isn't accurate, even. It's just a mess. So that's the way that I approach it.

I do actually use a boxing trainer when I train for stand-up.

I can't just sit on my daughter's bed and just say 'n---' all night and then put her to sleep. I just ain't gonna do that... I told the girls that these boys are racists, and they're not nice boys. But I think we can still enjoy the stories about the fishin' and the tradin'.

I don't have sex drive... I have sex 'just sit in the car and hope someone gets in'.

Sorry - Americans only buy things that come from suffering. They just enjoy it more when they know someone's getting hurt.