When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us.

You don't look down at your feet. A lot of comedians want to look down at their feet, but you break contact with the audience.

Sorry - Americans only buy things that come from suffering. They just enjoy it more when they know someone's getting hurt.

I was talking to my friend and he said his girlfriend was mad at him. I said, "What happened?" He goes: "Well, I guess I, uh... I guess I said something, and, uh... and then she got her feelings hurt." That's a weird way to phrase it: "She got her feelings hurt. I said something, and then she..." Could you more remove yourself from responsibility? "She got her feelings hurt." It's like saying, "Yeah, I shot this guy in the face, and then I guess he got himself murdered. I don't know what happened. He leaned into it."

I love being divorced. Every year has been better than the last. By the way, I'm not saying don't get married. If you meet somebody, fall in love and get married. Then get divorced. Because that's the best part. Divorce is forever! It really actually is. Marriage is for how long you can hack it. But divorce just gets stronger like a piece of oak. Nobody ever says 'oh, my divorce is falling apart, it's over, I can't take it.'

I don't have sex drive... I have sex 'just sit in the car and hope someone gets in'.

My kids are really easy. I often worry that they're too easy to deal with. They're really nice people.