For 15 years of my life I smoked, I drank, I used to do drugs... but during that time, I never once thought I was going to die. But the second I set foot on a stairmaster -the second- I am sure my heart is gonna explode and blood is gonna spray out of my nose.

There's something about cats' self-sufficiency and their seemingly individualistic ways that I find compelling.

Dogs are too much to handle. I don't need anything in my house that's needier than me.

Maybe depression is the most reasonable response to all the crap around us. Maybe it's the happy people who need medication.

The bile makes it better. I am an information wasting machine - 100s of words a day.

When you commit your life to something and it doesn't work out, it is a tough place to be. Suicide can be the spiritual reprieve of a faithless person. I knew I could always just end it, and there was solace in that.

Your insecurity and neediness is what makes you a big neurotic ball of comedy genius.