I have learnt that I am incapable of packing the right amount of clothing, probably because I start 10 minutes before I'm supposed to leave, and that I truly hate airports.

The basic function of a comic is stand-up because it's so straightforward and simple. If the audience don't laugh, you didn't do your job. I've had some audiences where I didn't care if they laughed or not because they were either too drunk or stupid.

I realised that to compare your insides with other people's outsides leads to unhappiness.

Catholicism has the clerical equivalent to a nut allergy - even a small exposure to change, and the whole thing will go into anaphylactic shock.

I'm more pompous and self-assured and determined that if - you know - if the truth can be told so as to be understood, it will be believed.

The most successful comics are always the hardest-working ones.

If you go on stage with an agenda, you have to accept not everyone's going to agree with it.