Eventually, somewhere - be it on the Internet or somewhere else - I will host some version of 'The Daily Show.'

I realised that to compare your insides with other people's outsides leads to unhappiness.

The most successful comics are always the hardest-working ones.

Offence is important; that's how you know you care about things. Imagine a life where you're not offended. So dull.

I am not racked with self-loathing. Some issues of guilt and shame, but I'm a pretty good guy.

This goes out to the followers of the three Abrahamic religions: To the Jews, Christians, and Muslims. It's just a little thing, really. But do you think that when you're done smashing up the world and blowing each other to bits and demanding special privileges while you're at it... do you think the rest of us could have our planet back?

I rarely fly, for environmental reasons more than anything else.