Some of my friends and family have tried to challenge me to do jokes that aren't as self-deprecating, where I genuinely express my own opinion in my own voice.

Sometimes I worry I don't want to get married as much as I'd like to be dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough.

I feel bad about that, that I worship celebrities... but their moods create weather.

I like all kinds of comedy. I like comedy that doesn't talk about real beliefs or serious thoughts, but then I also like the stuff that does. I think it just depends. It's a completely personal choice.

My mom is very religious and she said, 'Whatever you think about all the time, that's what you worship.' If that's the case I'd like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of their People Magazines. In this holy scripture, we read the parable of Ms. Valerie Bertinelli.

I'm not looking for much, I just want, like, a really nice guy who has, you know, like a job... and the missing half of this golden amulet.

Get out of your house and go see some live performance, for God's sake. There are people creating things just outside your window.