Maria Bamford Quotes

I do wanna get married. It just sounds great. You get to go grocery shopping together, rent videos, and the kissing and the hugging and the kissing and the hugging under the cozy covers. Mmmm! But sometimes I worry that I don't wanna get married as much as I want to get dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough. That might feel pretty good, too.

I love support groups, people talking about their feelings.

Get out of your house and go see some live performance, for God's sake. There are people creating things just outside your window.

I have received more fulfillment and adulation than I would ever know what to do with in terms of show business.

Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I'm so hungry.

In L.A., a lot of comics live here, but we don't get to spend that much time together because we've got to drive 45 minutes home, or do another set. So in San Francisco we can hang out, go for dinner - the community aspect of it is really lovely, as well as seeing people's shows that you don't normally get to see a longer version of.

We’re all doing the best we can and sometimes it is not that good.

Schizophrenia is hearing voices, not doing voices.

The thing that keeps the thoughts coming back is the power that you put in the thought that you can't think of it.

Younger and younger, our children are seeing the sippy-cup as half empty.

I feel bad about that, that I worship celebrities... but their moods create weather.

Even if you're disgusting, and everyone is creeped out by you and thinks you're gross, you know, keep doing what you love!

I have trouble watching singers because they are so sincere.

I do some compassionate mindfulness every day. It's like a Buddhist thing. I tell myself that I'm doing a good job, that kind of thing. It makes me feel better.

I get sort of short with people and start grumbling and clearing my throat - in honor of my father - when I'm impatient. It's very charming.

If you stay alive for no other reason do it for spite

I think taking vacations and turning off the phone and only doing emails or social media for a specific short amount of time helps with work/life balance. If I'm checking it all day I start to feel cuckoo-bird. So I just do it once or twice a day instead of a thousand. And then remembering that it doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter.

I love festivals because they seem like more of an artsy, supportive attitude - which benefits a more theatrical performer sometimes with having theater and other non-club venues, as well as the audience being filled with other artists. It's nice to be with other comics, as usually at other road gigs, I'm solo for the most part.

When you're a comedian, you're just by yourself.

I just love that part of comedy, where you see somebody's jokes develop. They try something new to see what works, and I just love that part.

Time flies when you are anxious!

If you're ever if you're ever thinking, “Oh, but I'm a waste of space and I'm a burden,” remember: that also describes the Grand Canyon. Why don't you have friends and family take pictures of you from a safe distance? Revel in your majestic profile?

I would've been able to write anything about mental-health crises had I not felt good.

I think the Internet has made it easier for people to connect with things that they really like, as well as provide a more personal experience, of 'I found this!' and then you can pass it to friends.

My mom is very religious and she said, 'Whatever you think about all the time, that's what you worship.' If that's the case I'd like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of their People Magazines. In this holy scripture, we read the parable of Ms. Valerie Bertinelli.

I express things through characters because I have a fear that my own voice is irritating because thats been said to me.

I can't stand makeup commercials. 'Do you need a lipstick that keeps your lips kissable?' No, I need a lipstick that gets me equal pay for equal work. How about an eye shadow that makes me stop thinking I'm too fat?

Sometimes I worry I don't want to get married as much as I'd like to be dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough.

I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of s**t that I don't need, that I refuse to share with others.

I find it creatively satisfying to write material and say it out loud in a public place, whether or not anyone's listening.

My therapist says I'm afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would REALLY cut into my sitting-around time

Here's the Middle East. Here's the mosque, here's the church, open the temple, everybody's MAD!

Some of my friends and family have tried to challenge me to do jokes that aren't as self-deprecating, where I genuinely express my own opinion in my own voice.

I like all kinds of comedy. I like comedy that doesn't talk about real beliefs or serious thoughts, but then I also like the stuff that does. I think it just depends. It's a completely personal choice.

I'm not looking for much, I just want, like, a really nice guy who has, you know, like a job... and the missing half of this golden amulet.

People get really irritated by mental illness.

I've never really thought of myself as depressed so much as I am paralyzed by hope.

There's a reason I'm a stand-up comedian. I think there may be some laziness inherent in that job. It's the four-hour work week, on some level. I mean, I work at it, but it's not that kind of... it's just not the hours at all. So I was extremely grateful for the job. It was super, super fun, and I'm surprised that I made it.