Even if you're disgusting, and everyone is creeped out by you and thinks you're gross, you know, keep doing what you love!

My mom is very religious and she said, 'Whatever you think about all the time, that's what you worship.' If that's the case I'd like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of their People Magazines. In this holy scripture, we read the parable of Ms. Valerie Bertinelli.

I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of s**t that I don't need, that I refuse to share with others.

I feel bad about that, that I worship celebrities... but their moods create weather.

I would've been able to write anything about mental-health crises had I not felt good.

I'm not looking for much, I just want, like, a really nice guy who has, you know, like a job... and the missing half of this golden amulet.

In L.A., a lot of comics live here, but we don't get to spend that much time together because we've got to drive 45 minutes home, or do another set. So in San Francisco we can hang out, go for dinner - the community aspect of it is really lovely, as well as seeing people's shows that you don't normally get to see a longer version of.