My mom is very religious and she said, 'Whatever you think about all the time, that's what you worship.' If that's the case I'd like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of their People Magazines. In this holy scripture, we read the parable of Ms. Valerie Bertinelli.

Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I'm so hungry.

I'm not looking for much, I just want, like, a really nice guy who has, you know, like a job... and the missing half of this golden amulet.

I would've been able to write anything about mental-health crises had I not felt good.

I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of s**t that I don't need, that I refuse to share with others.

Younger and younger, our children are seeing the sippy-cup as half empty.

Time flies when you are anxious!