My mom is very religious and she said, 'Whatever you think about all the time, that's what you worship.' If that's the case I'd like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of their People Magazines. In this holy scripture, we read the parable of Ms. Valerie Bertinelli.

Schizophrenia is hearing voices, not doing voices.

I've never really thought of myself as depressed so much as I am paralyzed by hope.

I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of s**t that I don't need, that I refuse to share with others.

When you're a comedian, you're just by yourself.

I get sort of short with people and start grumbling and clearing my throat - in honor of my father - when I'm impatient. It's very charming.

Even if you're disgusting, and everyone is creeped out by you and thinks you're gross, you know, keep doing what you love!