I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of s**t that I don't need, that I refuse to share with others.

We’re all doing the best we can and sometimes it is not that good.

There's a reason I'm a stand-up comedian. I think there may be some laziness inherent in that job. It's the four-hour work week, on some level. I mean, I work at it, but it's not that kind of... it's just not the hours at all. So I was extremely grateful for the job. It was super, super fun, and I'm surprised that I made it.

Younger and younger, our children are seeing the sippy-cup as half empty.

The thing that keeps the thoughts coming back is the power that you put in the thought that you can't think of it.

I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of s**t that I don't need, that I refuse to share with others.

My mom is very religious and she said, 'Whatever you think about all the time, that's what you worship.' If that's the case I'd like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of their People Magazines. In this holy scripture, we read the parable of Ms. Valerie Bertinelli.