If you're ever if you're ever thinking, “Oh, but I'm a waste of space and I'm a burden,” remember: that also describes the Grand Canyon. Why don't you have friends and family take pictures of you from a safe distance? Revel in your majestic profile?

I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of s**t that I don't need, that I refuse to share with others.

Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I'm so hungry.

I'm not looking for much, I just want, like, a really nice guy who has, you know, like a job... and the missing half of this golden amulet.

I can't stand makeup commercials. 'Do you need a lipstick that keeps your lips kissable?' No, I need a lipstick that gets me equal pay for equal work. How about an eye shadow that makes me stop thinking I'm too fat?

I find it creatively satisfying to write material and say it out loud in a public place, whether or not anyone's listening.

Get out of your house and go see some live performance, for God's sake. There are people creating things just outside your window.