Man is the Reasoning Animal. Such is the claim. I think it is open to dispute. Indeed, my experiments have proven to me that he is the Unreasoning Animal... In truth, man is incurably foolish. Simple things which the other animals easily learn, he is incapable of learning. Among my experiments was this. In an hour I taught a cat and a dog to be friends. I put them in a cage. In another hour I taught them to be friends with a rabbit. In the course of two days I was able to add a fox, a goose, a squirrel and some doves. Finally a monkey. They lived together in peace; even affectionately.

I don't want no better book than what your face is.

You want to be very careful about lying; otherwise you are nearly sure to get caught.

I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.

Scientists have odious manners, except when you prop up their theory; then you can borrow money off them.

I have made it a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time.

I simply can´t resist a cat, particularly a purring one. They are the cleanest, cunningest, and most intelligent things I know, outside of the girl you love, of course.