You ought never to sass old people- unless they sass you first.

The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.

Human beings seem to be a poor invention. If they are the noblest works of God where is the ignoblest?

I have been reading the morning paper. I do it every morning-knowing well that I shall find in it the usual depravities and basenesses and hypocrisies and cruelties that make up civilization, and cause me to put in the rest of the day pleading for the damnation of the human race. I cannot seem to get my prayers answered, yet I do not despair.

One thing at a time, is my motto - and just play that thing for all it is worth, even if it's only tto pair and a jack.

I like criticism, but it must be my way.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.