What is human life? The first third a good time; the rest remembering about it.

Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.

My father and I were always on the most distant terms when I was a boy--a sort of armed neutrality, so to speak. At irregular intervals this neutrality was broken, and suffering ensued; but I will be candid enough to say that the breaking and the suffering were always divided up with strict impartiality between us--which is to say, my father did the breaking, and I did the suffering.

The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself.

What is it that strikes a spark of humor from a man? It is the effort to throw off, to fight back the burden of grief that is laid on each one of us. In youth we don't feel it, but as we grow to manhood we find the burden on our shoulders. Humor? It is nature's effort to harmonize conditions. The further the pendulum swings out over woe the further it is bound to swing back over mirth.

I would rather go to bed with Lillian Russell stark naked than Ulysses S Grant in full military regalia.

The Public is merely a multiplied 'me.'