The reason most people don't go to church is because they've already been.

I do not like an injurious lie, except when it injures somebody else.

Those who say truth is stranger than fiction have wasted their time on poorly written fiction.

To be human is to have one's little modicum of romance secreted away in one's composition. One never ceases to make a hero of one's self, (in private,) during life, but only alters the style of heroism from time to time as the drifting years belittle certain gods of his admiration and raise up others in their stead.

Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat.

What a curious kind of fool a girl is. Never been licked in school. What's a licking?

I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.