All say, ‘how hard it is that we have to die’ -- a strange complaint to come from the mouths of those who have had to live.

No amount of evidence will ever persuade an idiot

It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.

The banging and slamming and booming and crashing were something beyond belief. [On Lohengrin]

I do not like work even when someone else is doing it.

I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don't go out with Halley's Comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: "Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.