It's my opinion that every one I know has morals, though I wouldn't like to ask. I know I have. But I'd rather teach them than practice them any day. "Give them to others"-that's my motto.

It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

The rain ...falls upon the just and the unjust alike; a thing which would not happen if I were superintending the rain's affairs. No, I would rain softly and sweetly on the just, but if I caught a sample of the unjust outdoors, I would drown him.

Both marriage and death ought to be welcome: the one promises happiness, doubtless the other assures it.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

I played Chess with him and would have beaten him sometimes only he always took back his last move, and ran the game out differently

When I'm playful I use the meridians of longitude and parallels of latitude for a seine, and drag the Atlantic Ocean for whales. I scratch my head with the lightning and purr myself to sleep with the thunder.