You can't no more teach what you ain't learned than you can come from where you ain't been.

Every one knew he could foretell wars and famines, though that was not so hard, for there was always a war, and generally a famine somewhere.

Fleas can be taught nearly anything a congressman can.

The test of any good fiction is that you should care something for the characters; the good to succeed, the bad to fail. The trouble with most fiction is that you want them all to land in hell, together, as quickly as possible.

I would rather go to bed with Lillian Russell stark naked than Ulysses S Grant in full military regalia.

O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain.

Half of the results of a good intentions are evil; half the results of an evil intention are good.