Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

The older we grow the greater becomes our wonder at how much ignorance one can contain without bursting one's clothes.

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

Will a day come when the race will detect the funniness of these juvenilities and laugh at them—and by laughing at them destroy them? For your race, in its poverty, has unquestionably one really effective weapon—laughter. Power, Money, Persuasion, Supplication, Persecution--these can lift at a colossal humbug,—push it a little— crowd it a little—weaken it a little, century by century: but only Laughter can blow it to rags and atoms at a blast. Against the assault of Laughter nothing can stand. - "The Chronicle of Young Satan," Mysterious Stranger Manuscripts

Your actions speak so much louder than words.