Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act would work great injury to yourself, and never refuse to take a drink - under any circumstances.

He has been a doctor a year now and has had two patients - no, three, I think - yes, it was three; I attended their funerals.

India has two million gods, and worships them all. In religion all other countries are paupers; India is the only millionaire.

Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either being made.

All schools, all colleges, have two great functions: to confer, and to conceal, valuable knowledge. The theological knowledge which they conceal cannot justly be regarded as less valuable than that which they reveal. That is, when a man is buying a basket of strawberries it can profit him to know that the bottom half of it is rotten.

I could have become a soldier if I had waited; I knew more about retreating than the man who invented retreating.