We are called the nation of inventors. And we are. We could still claim that title and wear its loftiest honors if we had stopped with the first thing we ever invented, which was human liberty.

Recipe for a long life: Only smoke while awake. Only run when being chased.

The cigar-box which the European calls a 'lift' needs but to be compared with our elevators to be appreciated. The lift stops to reflect between floors. That is all right in a hearse, but not in elevators. The American elevator acts like a man's patent purge-it works.

I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping.

Eight grown Americans out of ten dread the coming of the Fourth, with its pandemonium and its perils, and they rejoice when it is gone-if still alive.

The only very marked difference between the average civilized man and the average savage is that the one is gilded and the other is painted.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.