I cannot call to mind a single instance where I have ever been irreverent, except toward the things which were sacred to other people.

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

Explaining humor is a lot like dissecting a frog, you learn a lot in the process, but in the end you kill it.

I don't want my girl to be so skinny she can knife me with her knee.

I saw men whom thirty years had changed but slightly; but their wives had grown old. These were good women; it is very wearing to be good.

We Americans worship the almighty dollar! Well, it is a worthier god than Heredity Privilege.

You should never trust a man who has only one way to spell a word.