I told you this would happen. But, no, you had to go for the buffet, didn't you?

If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first.

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.

When the Lord finished the world, he pronounced it good. That is what I said about my first work, too. But Time, I tell you, Time takes the confidence out of these incautious opinions. It is more than likely that He thinks about the world, now, pretty much as I think about the Innocents Abroad. The fact is, there is a trifle too much water in both.

God's noblest work. Man who found it out? Man.

I have been on the verge of being an angel all my life, but it's never happened yet.

Preachers are always pleasant company when they are off duty.