No man has an appreciation so various that his judgment is good upon all varieties of literary work.

There is more real pleasure to be gotten out of a malicious act, where your heart is in it, than out of thirty acts of a nobler sort.

Consider the average intelligence of the common man, then realize 50% are even stupider.

When you catch an adjective, kill it.

Thanksgiving day. Let us all give humble, hearty, and sincere thanks now, but the turkeys.

Many of the cemeteries are beautiful, and are kept in perfect order. When one goes from the levee or the business streets [of New Orleans] to it, to a cemetery, he observes to himself that if those people down there would live as neatly while they are alive as they do after they are dead, they would find many advantages in it; and besides, their quarter would be the wonder and admiration of the business world.

Comedy keeps the heart sweet.