The humorous story is told gravely; the teller does his best to conceal the fact that he even dimly suspects that there is anything funny about it.

My philological studies have satisfied me that a gifted person ought to learn English (barring spelling and pronouncing) in thirty hours, French in thirty days, and German in thirty years. It seems manifest, then, that the latter tongue ought to be trimmed down and repaired. If it is to remain as it is, it ought to be gently and reverently set aside among the dead languages, for only the dead have time to learn it.

If the bubble reputation can be obtained only at the cannon's mouth, I am willing to go there for it, provided the cannon is empty. If it is loaded my immortal and inflexible purpose is to get over the fence and go home. My invariable practice in war has been to bring out of every fight two-thirds more men than when I went in. This seems to me Napoleonic in its grandeur.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

We can secure other people's approval, if we do right and try hard; but our own is worth a hundred of it, and no way has been found out of securing that.

I found out that I was a Christian for revenue only and I could not bear the thought of that, it was so ignoble.

I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.