I have been an author for 20 years and an ass for 55.

Damn the subjunctive. It brings all our writers to shame.

We have to keep our God placated with prayer, and even then we are never sure of him-how much higher and finer is the Indian's God...Our illogical God is all-powerful in name, but impotent in fact; the Great Spirit is not all-powerful, but does the very best he can for his injun and does it free of charge

I said there was but one solitary thing about the past worth remembering, and that was the fact that it is past-can't be restored.

My father was a Saint Bernard, my mother was a Collie, but I am a Presbyterian.

A dream...I was trying to explain to St. Peter, and was doing it in the German tongue, because I didn't want to be too explicit.

The cat, having sat upon a hot stove lid, will not sit upon a hot stove lid again. Nor upon a cold stove lid.