Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.

If they [the dead] should speak, it would be found that in matters of opinion no departed person was exactly what he had passed for in life. They would realise, deep down, that they, and whole nations along with them, are not really what they seem to be-and never can be.

One holds a bottle of red wine by the neck, a woman by the waist, and a bottle of champagne by the derriere.

You may say a cat uses good grammar. Well, a cat does -- but you let a cat get excited once; you let a cat get to pulling fur with another cat on a shed, nights, and you'll hear grammar that will give you the lockjaw. Ignorant people think it's the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it's the sickening grammar they use.

When ill luck begins, it does not come in sprinkles, but in showers.

I have carried a revolver; lots of us do, but they are the most innocent things in the world.

Civilization is a limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.