When we hear the other person's feelings and needs, we recognize our common humanity.

NVC self-forgiveness: connecting with the need we were trying to meet when we took the action that we now regret.

Intellectual understanding blocks empathy.

We're not taught to think in terms of needs. We don't make nice dead people when we're in touch with needs. Domination structures cannot maintain themselves when citizens are educated to be alive.

We never really know what we want until after we get it. If after we get it, it makes life more miserable, we know that isn't what we wanted. If it makes our life wonderful, we know this is a strategy which will meet out need. That's why Paul Tillich, the theologian says we need to sin courageously. You ask for what you want, hoping to meet your needs. If you get it and it makes life worse, you learn that this isn't what I want.

If people just asked: "Here are the needs of both sides, here are the resources. What can be done to meet these needs?" the conflict would be easy to resolve.

With empathy, I'm fully with them, not full of them — that's sympathy.