This objective of getting what we want from other people-or getting them to do what we want them to do-threatens the autonomy of people, their right to choose what they want to do. And whenever people feel that they're not free to choose what they want to do, they are likely to resist, even if they see the purpose in what we are asking and would ordinarily want to do it.

Empathize, rather than put your "but" in the face of an angry person.

Criticism, analysis, and insults are tragic expressions of unmet needs.

I recommend allowing others the opportunity to fully express themselves before turning our attention to solutions or requests for relief. When we proceed too quickly to what people might be requesting, we may not convey our genuine interest in their feelings and needs; instead, they may get the impression that we're in a hurry to either be free of them or to fix their problem. Furthermore, an initial message is often like the tip of an iceberg; it may be followed by yet unexpressed, but related - and often more powerful - feelings.

When we listen for their feelings and needs, we no longer see people as monsters.

A respectful understanding of another's experience.

The first step in healing is to put the focus on what's alive now, not what happened in the past.