If Ivan the Terrible had been kissed and loved between zero and three, he probably would have become Ivan Not So Terrible. If you're Jewish, you have a small smile on your face. Because you know the rest are wrong and you don't want to hurt their feelings.

I'm married to a beautiful and talented woman who can lift your spirits just by looking at you.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

I love gentiles. In fact, on of my favorite activities is Protestant spotting.

In every spoof I make real love to the things I am spoofing.

Tolstoy was the most gifted writer who ever lived. It's like he stuck a pen in his heart and it didn't even go through his mind on its way to the page.

Ill just say whats in my heart: Ba-bump, ba-bump, ba-bump.