I don't regret anything I've ever done. I only wish I could have done more.

Look, I come from vaudeville, I come from burlesque, I come from heartaches, I come from sadness, I come from gladness, I come from work and sweat and respect for the craft.

Had I been brighter, the ladies been gentler, the Scotch been weaker, had the gods been kinder, had the dice been hotter, this could have been a one-sentence story: Once upon a time I lived happily ever after.

When I open a refrigerator door and the light goes on, I want to perform.

A lot of people have asked me how short I am. Since my last divorce, I think I'm about $100,000 short.

I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.

If I ever complain to an agent about anything, he always has a pained look on his face, like, "How can you be so ungrateful? Why, Mick, I just named my yacht after you!"