God bless the universe, God bless Japanese, Chinese, Indians, all of them and let's have peace.

You always pass failure on the way to success.

I hear Jerry Falwell every Sunday here talking about the devil and Hollywood. . . . I'm gonna write him a letter. Hollywood wasn't built on filth and dirt - it was built on talent.

Someone once asked me what I want on my epitaph when I pass away. Just the words 'I tried.' That's what this game of life is all about. Trying. There's the tryers, the criers, and the liars.

Had I been brighter, the ladies been gentler, the Scotch been weaker, had the gods been kinder, had the dice been hotter, this could have been a one-sentence story: Once upon a time I lived happily ever after.

It's confusing. I've had so many wives and so many children I don't know which house to go to first on Christmas.

And that's the way I have always lived, for the laughs – today. N-O-W. No Other Way.