When I open a refrigerator door and the light goes on, I want to perform.

It's confusing. I've had so many wives and so many children I don't know which house to go to first on Christmas.

I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.

Hollywood has unfortunately become a memory. It's nothing but a sign on the side of a hill.

When I was 19 years old, I was the number one star of the world for two years. When I was 40, nobody wanted me.

You always pass failure on the way to success.

Had I been brighter, the ladies been gentler, the Scotch been weaker, had the gods been kinder, had the dice been hotter, this could have been a one-sentence story: Once upon a time I lived happily ever after.