Women liked me because I made them laugh.

John Frances, Entertainment Chair, of the Friars Club: Of all the roasts that I have produced for the Friars Club, this is the one that I am most excited about. Mickey is one of the Club's dearest friends, and we wanted to honor him in the way we know best.

My marriage license reads, 'To whom it may concern,'

Hey kids! Let's put on a show!

The audience and I are friends. They allowed me to grow up with them. I've let them down several times. They've let me down several times. But we're all family.

A lot of people have asked me how short I am. Since my last divorce, I think I'm about $100,000 short.

There were times when I was broke, when I was down in Florida and I had to go to cocktail parties for 500 bucks - to see the guy that used to be in pictures. I'm not ashamed of that. I've never done anything that I was ashamed of. I've done a lot of things I didn't mean to do.