Women liked me because I made them laugh.

My marriage license reads, 'To whom it may concern,'

Hollywood has unfortunately become a memory. It's nothing but a sign on the side of a hill.

A lot of people have asked me how short I am. Since my last divorce, I think I'm about $100,000 short.

I hear Jerry Falwell every Sunday here talking about the devil and Hollywood. . . . I'm gonna write him a letter. Hollywood wasn't built on filth and dirt - it was built on talent.

Dont retire - inspire...Theres a lot to be done

Had I been brighter, the ladies been gentler, the Scotch been weaker, had the gods been kinder, had the dice been hotter, this could have been a one-sentence story: Once upon a time I lived happily ever after.