I hear Jerry Falwell every Sunday here talking about the devil and Hollywood. . . . I'm gonna write him a letter. Hollywood wasn't built on filth and dirt - it was built on talent.

Women liked me because I made them laugh.

Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day.

It's confusing. I've had so many wives and so many children I don't know which house to go to first on Christmas.

I don't pick the roles. Your agent gets a call for you and you go and they all get together, everybody has fun at the reading, and they say, "There's chemistry here." So that's how it happens.

I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.

Had I been brighter, the ladies been gentler, the Scotch been weaker, had the gods been kinder, had the dice been hotter, this could have been a one-sentence story: Once upon a time I lived happily ever after.